


The Pet Goldfish

by Iliketalkingtoyou



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Cancer, Domestic Violence, gender based violence, pretentious (to the point of terrible) writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 04:11:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12975591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iliketalkingtoyou/pseuds/Iliketalkingtoyou
Summary: Finn moves in next door to Rae and Liam





	1. I Wanna Be Adored

“So tell me, Ms. Nelson,” the blonde interviewer said crossing her legs and leaning closer, “What really inspired your book? Was it a personal experience? Was it a friend’s experience? Was it research? We are all dying to know…” Her voice was gentle but tense, perfectly suited to the atmosphere in the room.

Rae smiled softly in reply. This was her moment; this was her first and only interview about her book. She was supposed to tell everyone everything. But now that the soft spoken woman was staring at her, those bright and overly enthusiastic eyes gleaming for the exclusive, and the cameras feeling like they were looking straight through her: Rae didn’t feel like she could do it.

______________

2 years before.

“Rae! Rae! Where’re ya?” Rae heard him calling from the front door. The feeling that rested in the pit of her stomach swelled to its full size again. 

“Kitchen!” She called back.

“Ah, there she is.” Liam walked over and wrapped his arms around her in a backwards hug, “What? Are you not going to treat your husband right?” His heavy Irish accent sounded nice, polite, and maybe even soft. She closed her eyes and tried to let the tension in her chest loosen. Rae thought that he seemed to be okay today. Although, his hands still felt like wet vines tangling around her, slowly but purposefully tightening their grip.

She pulled away from the sink, and grabbed a nearby dish towel to dry her hands, using the movement to step out of his reach. “Just finishing the dishes, how was your day?” The small distance between them vanished quickly as he pressed his lips against hers. Rae didn’t think of it as a kiss. It definitely didn’t feel like a kiss.

He answered when he finally let her go. “Not bad, actually. Stevie got his hand done in when he hammered it instead of the nail in the wall. Bloody hilarious.” Liam laughed while Rae cowered. He walked to the fridge and took out a bottle of beer, “How was your day, m’darling?” He grinned at her and so she smiled back - she had gotten good at that.

“It was nice, Mrs Greenshaw came over and said that we’re invited to dinner with her on Saturday? She really wanted to show off her new plants…”

Liam frowned and looked up at Rae from underneath his eyelashes. Rae thought that it was strange that such a look could be innocent on someone else yet never seemed innocent on Liam, “ ’Nd what did you tell her?”

“I told her that it was very kind and of course we would go…” Her voice was wary; Rae should have known. Why did she keep making mistakes? She should have seen this coming.

“You told her that, did ya?”

Rae bit her lip and nodded. She watched as his hands tightened significantly on the bottle, then he yelled, “I don’t give a flying FUCK about Mrs Greenshaw’s plants! She has no business bothering us and we are not going to have dinner with her!”

“Liam, Mrs Greenshaw is just an old woman, harmless even-” She tried to reason with him.

Liam slammed the bottom against the corner of the counter; it smashed into a thousand pieces. All the little parts that had once been so whole were now scattered across the floor.

Liam strode straight towards her, the neck of the bottle still in his hand, “I told ya, Rae,” he whispered, “We don’t like her. Remember? She’s a nosy little bugger and we don’t like her.” His eyes weren’t dark like in those books, where the scary people were always void of colour. They were a light brown and Rae knew that there was some green in there too, but you could only see that if there was enough light in the room. But all Rae could see right now was the empty brown, the terrifying brown. The brown that kept her awake at night. The brown that made her shake. That brown that made her wonder if she was always going to be trapped.

“Did ya here me!” Liam screamed and pushed the bottle’s sharp edges to her face. Rae nodded quickly. She was already crying.

Liam took a heavy breath and stepped away from her. “I’m sorry, sweets. You know I didn’t mean that.” He smiled at her and Rae nodded again. He didn’t mean it, he was just angry. She shouldn’t have pushed the subject. She wouldn’t talk to Mrs Greenshaw again. Just like her best friend Chloe, just like her mum. Just like anyone who didn’t like Liam.

He put the bottle neck down on the counter and pulled her into another hug. She must have been cold as she kept shivering. “Right, well, you better clean up your mess, I’ll be in the living room.” Liam pulled away, got another beer out of the fridge and walked to the door way – he majestically stepped over the glass as if he didn’t even notice the broken pieces. “Shout me when dinner’s ready, Love, yeah?” He gave her a smile. A genuine smile. Rae remembered how she had fallen for that smile, so many years ago. Rae looked back down at all the shards and couldn’t help relating to the mess. How did it get to here?

As she cleaned up she watched their pet fish, Mani. Liam had bought her the fish as a birthday present; the day she had decided she loved him. He was so brave and strong, Rae had never expected he would love her too, she was so lucky. Rae watched as the fish moved around in the bowl, it used to go under the little bridge then through the rock with the hole in it, as if it was playing. It didn’t do that anymore, it just went around in circles. Rae figured it was just getting old and continued cleaning up. She gave it a little extra for dinner that night though.

As Rae prepared the meal for Liam she thought back to a few years ago when she would make the dinner for Liam coming home, so that she could head off to her late shift at the hospital. But Liam now liked to have a drink when he got in from a hard day’s work before he ate a large meal. He wanted to cherish the drink. Liam also didn’t like having Rae rush off to her work, he wanted to spend time with his wife, so she had quit the job around year ago. She should be in to make her husband’s dinner when he wants it after all.

_______

The next day Rae found herself clearing up after Liam’s breakfast. Tonight, she thought, tonight. Tonight will be different. He had apologised last night after smashing the bottle even though it was her fault. That was an improvement. So tonight will be even better. Anyway, it was stupid of her to think they would go to a neighbour’s house. Ridiculous even. But she won’t suggest something like that again so tonight will be much better.

She was even enjoying her morning watching Loose Women with a cuppa tea and a digestive. There was a sort of ruckus outside, with shouting but Rae just ignored it, assuming the teenager down the street was having a barney with his dad again. Rae was just considering a second biscuit when suddenly the doorbell rang. Rae checked the clock. It was a bit early for Mrs Greenshaw and Rae didn’t know anyone else who would come to see her so she was reluctant to answer it. When it rang again louder and far longer this time, she jumped in fright. She really shouldn’t answer it because Liam didn’t want strangers in his house. He worked hard to pay for everything they had and he didn’t need other people messing about with his stuff. Rae chewed her lip still deliberating. There was a feeble chap at the door, before she heard someone begin to walk back down her driveway. Should she just leave it? No, she should answer, it’ll be fine, she just wouldn’t tell Liam. It’ll be fine. Just the postman or something.

Rae quickly walked to the door and realised her hands were sweating when she opened it.

He was nearing the bottom of the small driveway with his back to her, wearing a leather jacket Rae thought looked like it should have been left in the 90’s. He whipped back around when he heard the door open and she noticed he was wearing sunglasses. Bit optimistic, Rae thought, it was pretty cloudy today, it was only April. “A’right?” he said, he didn’t smile but he gave a slight nod. “Thought no one was in?”

Rae didn’t know if that was supposed to be a question or not. She decided to ignore it. “Can I help you?” She asked. Who was this guy anyway? Rae didn’t recognise him and yet he looked oddly familiar.

“Yeah, actually,” He began the walk back down her drive, “I was wondering if you’d give us a hand bringin’ in some boxes?” He still didn’t smile. Boxes? What boxes? Had Rae ordered something? Had Liam ordered something?

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m movin’ in? Could you give us a hand?” The guy was now looking at her as if she was as thick as shit in the neck of a bottle. Well, no she couldn’t, then. Politeness meant a lot to Rae. And maybe the fact that Liam might find out was perhaps also a problem. She could do what she liked of course but Rae never could tell how Liam would take something. He was just a bit unpredictable sometimes.

“Um, I’m not sure-”

“Please? I’m kinda desperate. Me mates just buggered off after all the ‘eavy stuff were in, and I’m knackered…”

Rae bit her lip. Maybe a few boxes wouldn’t be too bad; he did look kinda tired and sweaty. Rae reasoned that as long as she never really spoke to him after today it would be fine. She never spoke to any of her neighbours anyway, apart from Mrs Greenshaw so it shouldn’t be too hard. “Fine.” She said really quietly, “But only a few boxes.” Rae still had a sore arm from when Liam had thrown her off the couch the other night. It was her fault. He had come home late from the pub drunk and well…he had come home late from the pub drunk. Should have known better.

“Thanks a lot!” He finally smiled.

“Right, two minutes.” It was then Rae realised that she didn’t look very good. She was still in her dressing gown and hadn’t wore make up in a few days and she hadn’t slept properly in a few months, she should clean herself up. Make sure nobody asked any questions. Liam hated it when people asked questions.

“Yeah, sure…” The new neighbour said. Rae closed the door on him and rushed upstairs. She had to move delicately, because her arms still hurt. She pulled on some clothes quickly and tried to cover the bruise on her cheek with make up. She wondered if she dressed like normal girls, she could feel like it too. She didn’t often wear make up because Liam preferred her without it. He had told her that she didn’t have to impress anyone anymore because she already had him so there was no need for it. Rae looked at herself in the mirror just before she went back down the stairs. “Act normal.” She told herself. Rae knew that she would never actually be normal; she would always be fucked up. She and Liam were fuck ups; they had decided to be fuck ups together.

She quickly made her way to the door, taking a deep breath before she opened it. The boy was still standing there, hands in his jacket pockets. He watched her as she stepped outside.

“Okay?” he asked, she nodded and locked the door behind her.

“I’m Finn, by th’way.” The boy said as they walked over to his house. Rae realised his house was right next door. Oh no.

Rae gulped. “I’m Rae.” She was trying to sound as calm as possible but so many thoughts were spinning around her head. Why didn’t she realise people were finally moving in there? It had been empty for so long, Rae had just assumed Finn’s new house was the one across the street. The one the Fergusons’ had been trying to sell for a few months. The bigger, nicer, family-friendly one. Not the smaller one that Rae had thought looked haunted.

And he was right next door. What if this Finn heard the shouting or the fighting? What if Liam didn’t like him? Did Liam know about this? What if Finn had a family? Liam hated kids. “Is it just you then, Finn?” Rae blurted out. She smiled as nicely as she could to play it off as just general small talk. They walked over to a minivan at the bottom of his drive.

“Yeah, well, me and me da’. He’s not doin’ so good so I’m keepin’ him wi’ me till he gets better.” Finn opened the back door and scooped a box out from the back of the van and handed one to Rae. Rae was grateful that it wasn’t too heavy.

“That’s awful, I’m so sorry.” Rae said. She was sorry, but she was also thankful there would be no kids to rile Liam up.

Finn just nodded and leaned back into the van taking out another box for him. “Its bullshit, but its life, right?” Finn raised his eyebrows at her. He held the box in his arms as if it weighed nothing.

“It’s bullshit but it’s life…” Rae mumbled under her breath. She laughed but she suddenly felt like crying. “Sounds like that should be my life motto.”


	2. She Bangs The Drums

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn moves in next door to a shy girl and a large boy

Cancer.

It was cancer.

Cancer did this to him, cancer had broken his dad. It was horrible to watch. The deterioration, the pity, the “nothing more we can do”. His upbeat-Status Quo-listening-talkative father was now reduced to nothing more than a sack of bones and a small smile. When his dad had told Finn, all those months ago, he’d said he was going to fight it. “Fight it for Finn” he had chanted. He’d told Finn he was going to live forever, and that “Finn wasn’t going to get rid of him that easily”. It was pretty hard at the time, but Finn would give anything to have those days back instead of the ones he has now.

The second time was different, Finn had been with his dad when they told him. He had sat holding the brilliant man’s hand. “Making it comfortable” they had said. That was when Finn had burst into tears: they weren’t even going to help him anymore, they were giving up on him. And Finn had told them as much, may have even screamed it at one point.

He had walked through the door to his apartment that night and felt despair sweeping in nasty waves through his blood. All around him he saw emptiness: the emptiness of the bare flat, the emptiness of his cold bed, the emptiness of the girl on his sofa who he couldn’t even remember the name of. 

She had called out to him but he ignored her and pulled the quilts over his head. Deciding that he felt colder than usual, he curled himself up into the smallest ball he could. He thought that if he could make himself as tiny as he once was as a kid maybe in some magic way he could be transported back to those days and relive them. Cherish them more. And when he did grow up and leave he would pick up the phone more often. Never argue as much.

Take all those moments good and bad and redo them.

But all that happened was he woke the next morning with a sore back.

Finding this new house was a God send, in a way. It was perfect for helping his dad and it came at a low price. In another way, all it reminded Finn of was the reason he had to buy it in the first place. He also thought it looked incredibly haunted. Like Chop pointed out when he first saw it.

“Jesus, mate, looks like something from the Addams Family.”

“It’s not that bad, Finn,” Archie said, although he was obviously just trying to soften the blow.

Finn shrugged, it had been the only place he could afford that had a bedroom on the ground floor. “Just help me with the boxes, alrigh’?”

He knew he sounded grumpy, even more annoyed than usual even, but fuck; Finn couldn’t be bothered with them today. The thoughts of his dad were taking him over and all he wanted to do was go to him and double or triple check that he was doing okay. He knew it would be better when his dad is living with him. Then Finn could check on him as much as he needed to. All he had to do was set the house up as quickly as possible. The only problem was that he was shattered already.

He had to give up his own flat early to have enough money to buy the bigger one, and so ended up spending the night in his old bedroom at his dad’s. It hadn’t been a great night sleep, not with his dad waking up every five minutes and needing a hand to the bathroom. He knew it was stupid and pathetic to get annoyed at his dad now, he should be caring and loving towards him more than ever, but it was so hard. It was taking a toll on him.

He unlocked the lorry (loaned to him by his uncle) and jumped up into the back.

“Right, what’s the best way to do this?” Chop asked, stepping up beside him.

“Let’s get the bed down first?” Archie nodded over to it.

Finn thought that that would make as much sense as anything else, but Chop put an arm out. “Nah, music first!” He said, grinning. He went over and grabbed the stereo, “Right, Finny-boy, where am I pluggin’ this in then?”

Carrying all the furniture wasn’t actually as bad as Finn thought it would have been. The boys mostly talked quietly, making crap jokes at the other’s expense. The distraction of the heavy objects combined with the drumming and beating of the music inside the house was enough to let Finn forget, for a little while, of what was going to happen when the other two lads left him by himself.

The house was still pretty ghostly once everything from the lorry was inside. Finn didn’t have much furniture in his last apartment and the rest went straight into what would soon be his dad’s room. But there was a couch, a television, and the record player sitting in the lounge so it wasn’t all bad.

“Alrigh’” Chop said, clapping his hands before rubbing them together cheerily, “That’s us. Hit the pub now?”

“Chop, it’s midday?” Archie laughed giving Chop a bewildered look.

“So what? we’re done, aren’t we? Celebratin’ time!” He grinned at Finn who furrowed his eyebrows at the easily excitable boy.

“Eh, no way! We still have the smaller van remember?” He said shifting his gaze between the two boys.

Archie and Chop shared a look before the latter spoke up, “Mate, c’mon, we just helped you load all that stuff in. Can’t that lot be saved for tomorrow?”

“Yeah, Finn, sorry, but my backs killing me.” Archie said, bringing an arm around to rub above his butt to add to his point.

They both looked at Finn sheepishly but he was resolute: they weren’t leaving him to do the rest by himself. Especially when the stuff in the van was his most prised possessions.

“You’re not leavin’, c’mon…” Finn whined, but the looks on their faces told him he was fighting a losing battle. He watched as Archie and Chop shrugged their shoulders at him. He heaved a sigh, “Right, fine, thanks.”

“You’re a good mate!” Chop grinned at him.

Both boys gave Finn a hug and wished his dad well but Finn was in a grump. He couldn’t believe his mates would bail on him like that. Yeah, most of the stuff was inside now, and they had been carrying all the furniture for a few hours. But still.

Finn opened the smaller van’s door and looked inside. There were about 30 boxes, all of which were his records. Could he do this alone? His arms were already aching and his eyes were stinging from needing a sleep. He huffed; there was no way around this: better get the job done.

A few boxes in and Finn was getting into the swing of things, he was thinking that it wasn’t too bad. Music was good, his arms were getting a work out they hadn’t in a while and the sun was shining brightly. He could finish this then play some of his old favourite tunes before he went to get his dad later on that night.

Finn, however, did not see that Chop had left a plant pot next to the door and on his fourth way back to the van he went tumbling down over his left knee.

“Fuck!” He whisper-yelled. He quickly rolled up his jeans and checked his leg over but there was no damage. He would be fine, it was agony, but nothing serious. He had had plenty of football injuries and gotten straight back up before, so he knew he could bring in the remaining boxes just fine.

He stood up and used the door for support. His knee ached and he tried bending it then felt a stab of pain. Finn looked back over to the van and chewed his cheek. There were a lot of boxes left and the exhaustion was already getting to him, and now his knee was stinging as well. He fidgeted while debating on what to do. He could lock the van up and hope to God nobody would touch his vinyl all night, but could Finn really sleep soundly knowing that his precious collection wasn’t safe?

He looked around him, almost silently asking the universe for a sign. He directed his gaze to the houses around him, it wouldn’t be the greatest introduction to his neighbours, but did he have another choice? His mates had buggered off and were probably already a couple pints in, his dad can barely lift himself these days and Jesus, Finn wasn’t lugging in other twenty-odd boxes by himself. He groaned slightly: he was going to have to ask for help.

He first looked to his right, there was a creepy silence over there and Finn could just about make out a few needles scattered on the grass. So not there then. He looked across the street and saw a large hedge and a gate both tall enough to obscure at least half of his view of the house. Finn could take a hint: not there either.

Then he turned his attention to the house on his left. Bigger than his new one, and tidy-ish. He noticed that the flowers on the front lawn seemed as if they were planted a few years ago but then forgotten about, but the grass was cut sharp and there were no syringes. He shrugged, wouldn’t hurt to try.

As quickly as his knee would allow he turned off the music and headed back outside, closing the door slowly, not pausing to lock it. Probably a mistake but he was only going to be a few yards away.

He stepped lightly as he could over to his neighbour’s house, not knowing what to expect. It wasn’t the best neighbourhood and for all he knew it could be filled with prostitutes. There was a strange calmness in the atmosphere as he approached yet no immediate signs or glaring warnings that this was a particularly bad place to be.

He took a steadying breath and rang the doorbell; he didn’t notice that his heart was pounding until this moment, and he suddenly hoped no one answered. How was he going to explain this? Why was he about to let a complete stranger have access to his house, especially in a dodgy neighbourhood? Finn shifted on his knee again, and the sharp pain was strong enough to make him ring the bell for a second time, longer and louder.

Still no one answered. He groaned slightly, he didn’t think he could carry all the boxes, but it seemed as if he didn’t have a choice. He gave a reluctant last knock knowing that it was pointless and took the slow walk back down the drive.

He was nearing the end when he heard the door open. He quickly turned around, “A’righ?” He was met by a shadow; only able to make out a dark figure since it seemed like it was cowering behind the door. “Thought no one was in?” He didn’t know what to say in this awkwardness, and that seemed good enough. Why had it taken them so long to answer the door anyway?

“Can I help you?” The shadow spoke, only moving the door slightly wider. It was clearly a woman’s voice though, he knew that much.

He didn’t miss a beat and began moving closer, “Yeah actually,” she was just staring at him, and he couldn’t help frowning at the strangeness of the situation. “I was wondering if you’d give us a hand bringin’ in some boxes?” Finn thought that he might as well cut to the chase; never one for prolonged conversations and pointless small talk.

“I’m sorry?” The small voice said, and she opened the door a little further. He could just make out a little confused expression.

Finn held in an audible groan, was she thick or something? Didn’t she hear Chop shouting away earlier? How could she fucking miss the fact she had a new neighbour? Had she been living under a rock? “I’m movin’ in? Could you give us a hand?” he said in an attempt at civility.

Finn could almost hear the turmoil in her head. Clearly she didn’t want to do this, he shifted his leg again- FUCK. He was desperate; he couldn’t carry all those boxes up and down on this leg. When she hesitated, he took the opportunity to interrupt up quickly, “Please, I’m kinda desperate.” He wasn’t about to tell her about his leg though, he needed something much more masculine. “Me mates just buggered off after all the ‘eavy stuff was in.” He knew that wasn’t a good enough excuse. “-and I’m knackered?” he added, hoping to find some compassion.

He heard her sigh heavily, “Fine. But only a few boxes.”

Finn just nodded wondering how he miraculously convinced a random stranger to help him. He was pretty pleased with himself and his new manipulation skills so he grinned at her, “Thanks a lot!” He was ready to head back to the van but she shifted in the small space and the door widened a fraction more as she looked down at herself. He noticed she was wearing a dressing gown. Well, lucky for some. Others have to work all day and struggle to get a day off even when their dad’s ill and he’s moving into a new house, but whatever.

“Right, two minutes-”

Finn nodded and said a small, “okay” as she shut the door on him. Nice to know his neighbours are so polite. Fuck sake, was he just supposed to stand here staring at the door? Then again, Finn wouldn’t want her feeling uncomfortable, courting around in her pyjamas. He took a step backward in his nervousness and his knee panged again, “ahh, shit,” he muttered, glaring down at it. Of course just staring at it wouldn’t do anything, but he was still going to be angry at its refusal to be compliant.

He sighed and took a seat on her front step, waiting patiently for this new neighbour. That was when he realised he didn’t even know her name. She didn’t know his either and yet she was about to see his new house and everything in it. She could be a serial killer! She didn’t look like a serial killer, but Finn had never met one before, so how should he know what one looked like? And it was a dodgy neighbourhood…

He heard her walking down the stairs and quickly stood up, wincing at the strain on his knee. She opened the door slowly, and being this close to her, he could clearly see her agitation matching his. Maybe he looked like a serial killer to her. Her hands were shaking as she pulled the door closed. “Okay?” he asked. She nodded slightly, but didn’t look at him. She locked the door.

They took a few steps towards his house, him trying to guide her to the small van at the bottom of his drive. An eerie silence descended on the pair, making goosebumps on his arms. He bit the inside of his cheek while trying to think of ways to fill in this pressing lull. He introduced himself. Her name was Rae. He looked up at her and saw her eyes were screaming, she suddenly looked panicked and he had no idea why. Then out of nowhere she asks him if it’s just him in the house. What was she trying to imply? He was wearing a god damn leather jacket and had just told her that his friends went to the pub, did she really see him as a family man?

They got to the van and she stood next to him shuffling with her jacket, there was the tiniest smile on her face and that smile was the reason he told her. “Yeah, well, me and me da’. He’s not doin’ so good so I’m keepin’ him wi’ me till he gets better.” Before he could second guess the reason he had told a complete stranger – and a possible serial killer – about his ill dad, the words were already out. He turned quickly to open the van door, pushing a box into her hands. He avoided looking at her, he didn’t want to see the same face that everyone gave him: those big eyes and a turned down mouth. He was fed up with that face.

“That’s awful, I’m so sorry.” She sounded sorry, maybe she’d lost someone before. Finn just nodded at her reply though, he never really knew what to say.

He turned back inside the van to pick up a box of records for himself; he felt her eyes watching him, like ice melting onto his back. He shuffled the box, making sure less weight went on his left side, and finally raised his eyebrows to match her stare. “It’s bullshit but it’s life, right?”

Her reaction surprised him: she mumbled it back to herself as if letting the words spin around in her head, forming a whole different meaning in there than what he had originally intended as a light-hearted comment. Then randomly, she laughed slightly and said “Sounds like that should be my life motto.”


	3. Waterfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Stone Roses is a good place to start

“Sounds like that should me my life motto.”

He managed a smile at her but he could tell that what she was saying had nothing to do with him.

“Righ’, then,” he nodded his head in the direction of his new home. “I’ll show you were to put these.” Not wasting a second he marched towards the house but just as he was getting closer to the door, he turned to her, “Eh, watch out for the plant pot.” He decided that injuring Rae probably wouldn’t be the best way to strike up a neighbourly relationship.

She clocked the plant pot and nodded at him, moving out of its way. Using his elbow, since his hands were clinging to the cardboard box, he flung the door open and moved quickly into the living room at the end of the hall. He heard Rae shuffling slowly in behind him, and guessed that she was probably trying to get a good look around his house.

As he shoved the box onto the floor he rubbed his knee again, the pain was starting to subside at least, but he might have to put some ice on it soon in case it started to swell. He jumped up into a more manly position as she entered the room and placed her box next to his. There was a tense and awkward atmosphere and she avoided his eyes while fiddling with her fingers a little.

“Uh, right…” he stood up straight again, trying to seem like he let random strangers into his house all the time. “Best get the rest in…”

They moved in silent synchronicity until all the boxes were placed around the living room. None of the boxes were placed in order, but Finn could sort through that with his dad tonight.

His knee was gradually getting worse, he wanted off of it and to get a sit down with a cup of tea. Luckily they were finished relatively quickly and Rae was bringing in the last of the boxes after no time at all. She placed the last one down on the coffee table after realising there wasn’t much room left on the floor. He probably should cut down his time spent at record fairs.

“Uh, that’s the last one.” She mumbled, fidgeting again.

He cleared his throat and nodded at her, he wasn’t doing a very good job at the ‘polite conversation protocol’. Finn was still convinced everyone had gotten a manual of that at school on a day he had been inconveniently ill. How else could he be so fucking bad at talking?

“What’s in ‘em?” Her voice seemed unsure and it shook him from his own thoughts.

“Records,” he mumbled and for the first time since she entered his spooky place she smiled back at him. It was small and conservative but it was a smile no less.

“Really?” He didn’t miss her eyes lighting up, like a child at Christmas.

“Yeah,” his smile was growing too and he scratched his left arm out of nervousness, awaiting her further reactions. They were so changeable he didn’t really know what to expect.

She surprised him once again as she pulled a smug look, “You think you know music then?”

He scoffed at her. This girl had no idea who she was talking to. Finn was the most knowledgeable person in all of Leeds when it came to music, so he was definitely the most knowledgeable now that he’s back in Stamford. “Yeah, I know music.” His confident tone carried through onto his face.

“Can I…?” She asked motioning to the boxes.

“Go ahead.” He said, but he was going to keep an eye on her every movement. He didn’t normally let anyone touch his records, but he was never one for shying away from proving his impeccable music taste.

She knelt down to the box closest to her on the floor and began flicking through the vinyl. He held his breath and bit his lip as she touched the records, hoping to God that she treated them with the respect they deserved. Fortunately, as she skimmed her way through, her small, nimble fingers handled them with spectacular precision and delicacy. Knowing now that his most cherished objects were in safe hands, he moved his eyes up to watch her expression instead. He quickly let his lip out from between his teeth to smile while he noticed her reactions, they moved so fluidly yet distinctly that Finn could barely keep up. And just as quick as her facial changes, she plucked a record from the box, “‘Diamond Life’…Sade? Really?” She actually laughed at him and Finn somehow found he was smiling too, ready to defend the poor decision.

“It were me dad’s, I swear…” Putting his hands out, palms forward, in a defensive gesture.

She shook her head at him before sliding it back into place, and swiftly carrying on with her interrogation.

His heart had began to thrum: this new person, out of nowhere, was now inspecting the most intimate part of his life. He never should have let her look through these, he’s such an idiot. He suddenly realised that he was still standing which seemed ridiculous because he was towering over the girl. He fidgeted a little with his hands before sitting in front of her, the box acting as its own divide between them and he felt the instant relief of not leaning on his sore knee.

They just sat there for a while and Finn began to study her, and learn what her reactions meant. When Rae would pull out a record she liked she would skim her fingers over the art work, in an almost mesmerised trance, with a tiny, beautiful smile pulling at her lips. But if she didn’t like a record she would widen her eyes in a grimace or raise an eyebrow. Very rarely she would catch his eye, but those were is favourite times, because it meant that she liked the record but didn’t want him to think she liked it too. He was definitely embarrassed over the fact Rod Stewart had been shoved in there but she had given him a small look and he knew she had that record as well.

Her fingers landed on “The Queen Is Dead” and scrutinised over every millimetre the same way he was doing to her face. She gathered The Smiths albums out one by one and Finn quickly took note of her new repetitive behaviour, memorising her movements. Step by step she would slide the record out, caress her fingertips over every image, turn the record, read the track list, skim her fingers again before sliding the record back in, then doing exactly the same to the next one.

Finn could barely contain himself; he had never met someone who had cared so much about albums. And he knew, he so knew, what she was thinking. It was the same things he thought when he saw those albums as well: home. Music was his home and it was written all over her face that it was hers too. He swallowed and continued to stare at this miraculous girl.

Suddenly, she sucked in a breath and it was so quiet against the pumping of blood in his ears that he almost missed it, but her face portrayed the shock clearly; mouth slightly dropping, eyes widening. She was quite the picture.

She had found it, one of his favourites, the true sound of brilliant music. The record that would mean everything to them one day, but Finn just didn’t know that yet.

“Stone Roses!” She grinned, a proper grin this time, an expression he hadn’t witnessed yet.

“Yeah, you like ‘em?” Finn asked excitedly, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. What a stupid thing to say Finn, why would she react like that if she didn’t like them? Such a fucking twat, sometimes.

Rae just laughed and held the record to her as close as she would allow without actually letting it touch her, “Yeah,” she giggled, not looking away from it. “We named our goldfish Mani.” Finn didn’t miss the “we”.

“Really?” He said much smaller, and played with a loose strand from the bottom of his jeans. This time he checked her fingers and saw it there. Something he had always hoped would never plague him; a plain gold ring on that finger.

She nodded, still smiling down, oblivious to his deflation.

Of course. Of fucking course. The first attractive girl Finn has ever met, who actually knows and cares about music as much as he does, and she’s fucking taken. Of course she’s fucking taken.

He bit the inside of his cheek, deciding to stare at an annoying, random space on the wall, before taking a breath, “D’you wan’ me to put it on?” He said in a much flatter tone than a few moments before. But Rae obviously didn’t give a shit about Finn’s sudden change in mood. Her eyes sparked with excitement and she eagerly handed him the record.

As he shuffled on to his feet he forgot that his knee was still aching but the call of The Roses was too much and he found himself pulled to the record player on the side table in the corner. Finn couldn’t stop a slight smile in his anticipation: and as the first note played out, he felt calm again. This was where he belonged, him and his music.

He turned back to face his guest and saw her sitting with her eyes closed, chest rising and collapsing with a sigh.

Not that he was looking at her chest! Shit. He was totally looking at her chest. It had been a while, that’s all. With all the stuff with his dad, it had been a while.

He was glad that her eyes were still shut as he moved quickly to a spot on the couch. They both sat in silence together. Two complete strangers absorbing the tones of the second best album to ever come from Manchester.

Finn didn’t want to think about how strange it felt, and when he’d look back on it, he would realise how ridiculous the entire situation was. But in the moment, with Ian Brown’s mess of lyrics and John Squire’s guitar talent filling him throughout his whole body, man, he could not give any less of a shit.

And after “Bye Bye Badman”, when he had to flip a side, he did it as quickly and as flawlessly as he had ever done and they both settled back into position. Although Finn was pretty sure Rae hadn’t moved since the first song had played.

It wasn’t until the last note faded from “I Am The Resurrection” that Finn noticed Rae’s mumbling.

“Shitshitshit…” she fumbled over herself standing up. “I really need to get back, so much tidying to do…” Finn frowned at this new frantic Rae; that was a quick mood change. He stood up to escort her out but she was already out in the hall.

“Well, uh, thanks?” he said, watching her shimmying out the door.

“No problem!” She waved slightly and darted back towards her own place.

Finn tugged at his left arm, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Had he done something wrong? Why would she leave like that? Did she really have that much tidying up to do?

He shook his head, and decided to forget about it. He never spoke to his previous neighbours before, so he wasn’t about to start now. He’d probably never see that Rae again and there was no chance he’d try it on with her. Better just to forget about it.

As he turned from shutting the front door, he was sure a sharp knife had shoved its way through his knee. “For fuck sake!” He grumbled and went to the kitchen to make up some ice.

____

Rae hadn’t meant to stay that long; those records were too enticing, and the music was too pure to tug herself away. The break in “I Am The Resurrection” was what made her move; it had felt like reality was slapping her in the face and her cheek was still stinging as she walked out the door.

All of that beautiful music brought back memories of her own records that she hadn’t seen in so long. Liam much preferred to spend money on CD’s, they were cheaper and could be played in the car, anyway. Flicking through those albums had felt so calming, so good, like coming home. Rae hadn’t felt much at home in a while but seeing all those beautiful sleeves was magical. Between the music she didn’t recognise and music she knew so well every word was engraved inside her, all of it was a piece of love that Rae hadn’t experienced in what felt like forever. Music had always been such a strong part of her and somehow she didn’t even know she missed it until she heard it again.

But she could never go back to Finn’s house. Although he didn’t seem like a particularly bad person, she couldn’t risk becoming friends with someone nearby. There were too many possibilities with bad outcomes. What if he suddenly felt like coming over here? Is it written on the walls? Are there ‘too obvious’ layers plastered on her face? Would someone be able to tell what she goes through just by looking at her dinner table?

Rae’s hands were shaking as she twisted the key in the door. There was always that split second where she would reconsider going back in, a constant nagging at the back of her mind telling her to leave. Which she knew she could do at any time. Of course she could leave; she just didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Rae swallowed her fear and gathered some composure before quietly stepping back into what she classed as home now.

She had a few hours until Liam came back, which was plenty of time to do the usual tidying up, but not enough for her to finish the new romantic novel she had started a few days ago. “Forgotten” by Jill Sheldon. It involved a man losing his memory and the woman manipulating this for her own benefit. Rae wondered what would happen if Liam lost his memory one day. She would be able to leave. But what would be the point?

She couldn’t go back to a time when she was alone, even more so than she was now. Back to when she didn’t know someone so invincible and brave as Liam. Back to when she was the only fuck up she knew. At least now she had Liam, it was all she had but it was better than nothing.

Rae decided that thinking about that book wasn’t helping her at all. Instead she began staring at the same stain on the kitchen table she always stared at. Scrubbing at it would do no good, nothing changed. It was a weird shaped arrow from a splodge of spaghetti from years ago and still nothing changed. Nothing ever fucking changed.

Rae moved on to her next tasks mechanically, following the same rules as per the norm. And when Liam got home, he kissed her check, they ate dinner, he told anecdotes from work and Rae fed the fish while Liam drank himself to sleep.

As per the norm.

What wasn’t normal was that around ten o’clock, while Liam was in the toilet, Rae watched a shrunken old man making his way to the house next to hers in a wheelchair while Finn held a forced smile on his face as he pushed him.

She couldn’t stop Liam, she couldn’t help Finn, she couldn’t help herself, she couldn’t help her god forsaken fish.

There was nothing she could ever do.

She was so fucking useless.


	4. Don't Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Collection of samples from Rae's book

Chapter 1

There it was again.

A headline depicting a skinny celebrity, with the caption “She’s anorexic! But she looks great!.”

Another example of how Sad People were supposed to be beautiful. They were only ever beautiful to happy people. I never understood why everyone seemed to think it was fine to romanticise mental illness. From my experience Depression isn’t beautiful or romantic.

Depression isn’t spending one day in an oversized jumper reading a book in bed and drinking black coffee. It is not someone coming to take care of you while he smells your hair, and gives you flowers and tells you “your scars are my scars”.

Depression is a hole that will never fill. Not by eating food, not by starving yourself, not puking, burning, cutting, picking or slapping. None of it fills this enormous hole that sits in your chest.

Depression cannot be described as a feeling. It is the opposite of a feeling. Depression sucks feelings and emotions straight out of you. It is not like a little rain on a sunny day nor is it a passing cloud that you just have to sit through and wait out.

It’s a constant fucking storm.

But not in a way you might imagine. Storms have a tendency to peak at a certain point then level off. Depression doesn’t do that, depression peaks at one point levels off for a little while and then when you think the storm truly has passed, it peaks all over again.

There’s nowhere to run from this storm. The rain is the only available sight. The howling wind is the only noise ringing in your ears. The storm is so strong it encompasses your whole body, it carves itself into your bones, it wraps itself along your organs, it carries itself through your blood, it infiltrates your brain and affects your nervous system. It is a poison.

Depression is self-indulgence, self-loathing, and selfishness.

“Its chemicals in your brain. It’s a mental disorder that can be fixed with a few pills.” These sentences mean nothing to me. Nothing means anything to me. I cannot bring myself to care about anything. Depression takes your empathy and compassion and rips it from your soul. There is nothing left to care about.

Depression isn’t sadness, a few tears here and there and maybe some low self-esteem.

Oh no.

It’s so much worse. It’s being able to see that you are ruining your life one bit at a time. And you do not care. You watch on the side lines as your family and what little friends you did have turn against you as you grow lonelier and lonelier, trapped by inhumane levels of apathy. You watch your life dissolve into nothing.

My bed is the safest place in the world. I crave the seclusion and warmth of being under the quilts, wrapped in nothing but my own thoughts.

But I am instead here at a shitty convenience store. I was diagnosed with depression two weeks ago and at 17 you would think I would have better things to do than wallow in self-pity and buy milk for my mum. But no. I have nothing. I am nothing.

Fuck I really wish I was in my bed right now.

I wish I was home.

Chapter 24

I was suddenly so aware of the door. I didn’t understand. Why was the door so important right now? It was just a door. Slightly ajar. Same as usual and in the grand scheme of what I just went through I hardly think that staring at the door should be my priority. And yet…

I felt it. I felt the strings that kept us together. They have been withering for many years, shaking thinning, stretching, but they were always there. A constant attachment between us, keeping us together but now I felt them loosen their grip on the pillars that were our hearts.

And the door. The door, acting like a knife. I became so aware of it.

They must be far away by now. Driving, thinking, contemplating, crying, whatever. Should I care? I probably should.

Still all I think of is the fraying strings and the decade old door.

I stare at the door. I stare at it and think of how I should be upset, how I should be crying, should be sad. I should be feeling. And yet I just stare at the wood, not even looking properly. I see that it is my knife that I need to severe the relationship.

All I see is the door and strings. All I hear is the words told to me when I was too young. Too young to fully understand or to fully realise the impact they would have on me; “don’t trust anyone”. Ironically told to me by the one person I seemed to have trusted and ironically the advice was sound. Even they had betrayed me in the end.

Now I see the door, hear the words, smell the perfume leftover from hours ago before I left for work, and feel…nothing. I don’t even feel the cutting of the strings as I close the door with two fingers, but I know it’s happening. I am cutting what little connection we had left by closing this door. I don’t even feel accomplished or revelation or even slight relief. I feel nothing. There is nothing left in me to give. I am empty. An empty vessel.

There is no trust in my life. Does that make me less of a person? I can’t even bring myself to care even if that is true.

The bonds between people I should ‘love’ have just been snapped and I do not cry, do not feel shock, do not pity myself; I feel nothing. As if I knew one day this was going to happen and now it has. I will deal with it. I have always dealt with it. And the one piece of advice that will continue to help me throughout my life will be ‘do not trust anyone’. All emotions are gone. Does that make me even more depressed? Or is that too much of an emotion for me now? Have I even surpassed the stage of depression?

I am not sure. Either way the door has closed. The strings have broken. And for once:

I do not care.

Chapter 3

I was once again out buying milk for my mum. They give you a timetable when you’re depressed, because it makes you get out of the house. It is supposed to give me some fresh air and all that bullshit. And, since it is summer there is really no other place for me to be on a Wednesday morning.

I found myself staring at the magazines of the pretty women. I would never look like that. All the dieting would never let me look like that, give me skin like that, or hair like that. There was one magazine in particular that I hated. It always had that singer with the blonde hair, on the front and they always criticised her no matter what she did. My life felt like that sometimes. God, I hated these things.

I shoved the magazine backwards on the stand and strolled through the rest of the shop. The same three people were around me. The more time I spent in the corner shop the more I had gotten to know the people who usually appear. Not many people show up at ten o’clock on a week day morning.

There was Hangover Helen, over by the fizzy drinks. Busker Ben who buys his lunch here then sneaks off to God knows where but I once saw him carrying a guitar case, so the name stuck. And lastly there was the teenage boy Keith who serves me every day – he doesn’t have a nickname because his name is on his badge. I guess, I could call him Kiosk Keith but that’s so unimaginative it makes me sick.

“Alright, cheery-kins? You look particularly bored this fine day!” I turned from grabbing the milk and Keith was grinning back at me. Keith and I had gone to the same primary school but that was all we knew about each other. Unfortunately, I had been in here every day for the past two and a half weeks so I guess had become a ritual to his day. This added to the fact I had the ability to speak meant he greeted me with an abundance of glee. Every morning. Every fucking morning.

“Hiya, Keith.” I reply. As I do. Every morning. I grabbed some Skittles as a treat and made my way in front of him. He let me pay in silence, which he rarely did so maybe he had learned that I was completely uninterested in making a friend. Good. I’m glad boundaries have been established.

I was dutifully packing the milk and skittles when the weirdest sound erupted from the loud boy. “There he is!” Cashier Keith said. Hmm, Cashier Keith is better than Kiosk Keith.

“Alright, mate?” Another boy’s voice said beside me. I didn’t turn around. I wasn’t good with new people and God forbid Keith drag me into a conversation with this kid. I started to sneak out the door.

“Yeah, mate. Just chatting with me favourite customer!” Keith grinned up at me, “Hey, you’re not going anywhere! Wait-” Keith came around the other side of the counter and walked straight up to me. I stared at Hangover Helen hoping for some sort of saviour but she was too absorbed in her choice between Lucazade or Sprite.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Keith and the boy sort of hug. I still had not looked at him. “Right, this is Lucy,” Keith said, “Lucy this is Will.”

At first I stared at Keith hoping it was possible that I could make him spontaneously combust but I knew that if I got this greeting over with quickly then I could much sooner be home. Under the quilts.

So I met Will’s gaze.

Well.

Bloody hell.

Will was fit.


	5. Bye Bye Badman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn gets to know Liam a bit more

There were once fields near the old church of St. Mary’s. Huge, green fields that could have stretched all across the world, or at least to a childhood Rae, they seemed as if they could. The boredom of being stuffed in a house was never for Rae, she needed the fresh air and the ability to run and run and run. She would drag her old friend Chloe with her to play amongst the long grass in that field and the two kids would chase after each other for hours almost every day during the summer holidays - only collapsing in a heap to the ground around tea time, when the beckoning call of food was too much for either of them to ignore.

The field didn’t exist anymore having being sold to a land agency to build blocks of grey flats over every acre of meadow there was. Rae craved to be able to run in those fields just one more time, especially when she sat on the worn sofa, bored as ever. It was still exceedingly easy for her to become bored, only now she didn’t quite have the ability to go running around which often left her alone to sit with her thoughts. Thoughts were always quick to swoop in and ruin her day, she never had a fighting chance against them when she was bored and alone.

However, Rae would much rather divulge herself in self-depreciative reflection rather than spend time with her husband. It can be difficult to want to spend time with a lion when you are his prey.

Rae’s love for Liam had been somewhat distorted and corrupted lately. In the early stages of their relationship she had been quick to rely heavily on him as he forced her to be brave like him, to stand proud of being a fuck up. He taught her to deal with being different, that no one else could possibly love her. Yet his bravery and self-assuredness that she once admired so deeply had turned to an aggression and superiority which frightened her to no end.

But she carried on, day after day. She stood from the couch, and from her thoughts, and carried on. She does chores to distract her and she carries on. Making dinner is one of the few household chores that she enjoys. The process of cooking is methodical and is a welcomed escape. In every recipe she cannot possibly go wrong so long as she follows instructions. Rae can be in complete control in the kitchen, her muscles relax, and lately she finds herself humming along to the songs from her teenage years as she cuts the vegetables.

When her earworm swiftly chimes the rift of ‘Made of Stone’ she remembers a flash of brown eyes. A little over a month had passed since she sat on Finn’s livingroom floor and had him play one of her favourite albums. He had been staring at her that day, she had felt his eyes on her every move as she had skimmed her fingers over the records. The texture of each sleeve had brought her back to her own records stored in the shed outside. They must be old and disgusting now but Finn’s were perfect. The impulse to walk straight to his house and ask to listen to her old favourite songs once more had pushed her to the front door a thousand times before she pulled herself together and sat down with a cup of tea - but to completely dismiss the shivers she had felt while she had looked through his collection was clearly an impossible task.

Often she can hear music coming from Finn’s house. Him and his dad keep their kitchen door wide open almost daily and the music seems to find its way to her. She had begun to spend as much time as she could out in her back garden, listening to the music that they blare. She even dug out an old garden chair one day when they played Definitely Maybe, and plopped herself down to listen with full concentration. She’s ashamed to admit that she might have even sung out loud a little before catching herself.

Oasis’s albums are played at least once a week after that day.

Finn’s dad has a loud, full laugh, and she sometimes hears him moaning at Finn to stop fussing over him. “I may be dying but I can put a tea bag in mug, for Christ’s sake”. She giggles when she overhears moments like that. He seems positively lovely to Rae. 

The two men next door infiltrate Rae’s thoughts for the most bizarre reasons. If she was to ever meet the man properly, what would she say? How would she introduce herself? Has Finn already told him about her? Her introduction with Finn was so strange it couldn’t have possibly come up in conversation between him and his dad.

Rae had seen the older man occasionally, going from the front door to Finn’s car. There was no way of guessing but Rae hoped that Finn took his dad somewhere far away. There was a lovely, quiet park not far from their estate that could easily accommodate the man’s wheelchair. The two of them could sit together, have a nice picnic - maybe she would mention it to Finn one day.

She might go with them. She would bake a cake for them, and she has an old blanket in the spare room that they could sit on. The sun would shine, the trees would be green which would be a beautiful scenic back drop to sit and laugh in delight as they told stories to each other. Finn would probably have tales of bands he has seen, with a collection like he has, he must have been to a number of concerts. He would describe the music, exactly how she would want to hear it. He would tell her that the beer was expensive and tasted like piss but it didn’t matter because the music was phenomenal.

The chance of such an event happening was preposterous of course, especially if she didn’t even have the courage to talk to Finn. Maybe she could offer them something simple as a dinner invitation – although the idea that Finn and Liam would be sitting next to each other seemed repulsive to her. Besides, ever since Rae gave up her job there never seemed to be enough money for even the bare essentials. Food was becoming that little bit smaller with every meal and so buying for two extra people, even for just one meal, wouldn’t be a good idea.

Even tonight, Rae has only managed to scrape enough together for two of them simply because there was a two for one on oven chips. The chicken that was in the oven was being reheated from two nights ago, but if she chopped it up enough and served it with gravy this time, Liam would hardly notice.

Dinner with Finn is off the cards, but she had to speak to him again. It would be rude not to since they had shared what almost felt like an intimate moment between them. Could she consider it intimate? Intimate would suggest more personal contact, hugging, kissing…

The heat from the cooker is suddenly too much. Rae threw the back door open and stood next to it. Closing her eyes, she took a long, uneven breath and let the chilly air cool her thoughts. Her ridiculous thoughts of intimate moments with a complete stranger. She had humiliated herself enough in front of him, no need to go asking for another chance to prove what a right fucking weirdo she can be.

She rolled her eyes at her fanciful ideas, and checked on the veg and chicken but she keeps the door wide open.

Then she hears the voices, two of them, chatting away. The words were indiscernible but Liam’s loud laugh was enough to make her fingers tense on the wooden spoon. The front door swung open with a bang and Liam’s laughter grew louder, but there were too many footsteps for it to just be her husband. She stepped out of the kitchen after turning the heat down on the vegetables. The once bubbling boiling water cools and goes still.

“Sweets!” Liam exclaimed and walked the expanse of the tiny living room to give her a peck on the cheek. He quickly lost interest in her and sauntered to the fridge to answer the call for beer.

From the hall doorway, Finn’s brown eyes stare at her intently.

“What’s going on?” She squeaked, she couldn’t find her voice. Mortification was etching itself into her every bone. Worlds were colliding; two worlds which she never thought could exist in the same universe.

Liam appeared next to her and used the beer bottle to point in Finn’s direction, “This is Finn Nelson, Babes. He lives right next door, asked him to stay for tea. I hope you made enough for three.” She hadn’t obviously, but apparently she was going to have to try.

“Right…well, I mean its short notice but…”

“Nah, you’re alright,” Finn piped up, taking a large step backwards.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Nelson. Stay. Rae makes a lovely steak and ale pie, don’t ya?” Liam grinned down at Rae and slid his arm across her shoulders.

Rae blinked at her husband, she couldn’t hear him over the blaring sirens that were going off in her head. “But we were having chicken.” She managed to blurt out.

“Don’t matter, chicken’s always good enough.” Liam shrugged. The push of his shoulders forced Rae to become imbalanced for a moment.

Finn chimed in again, “No, really Liam, thanks mate, but, I’ve got dinner sorted, I-I’m meeting a few mates at the pub for something.”

“Really? Well, don’t go to the Bridge Inn, fucking dreadful chips.”

Finn laughed awkwardly and scratched his ear, “Righ’ yeah, we’re uh actually meeting at the Lion’s Head. You’re welcome to join us.” Finn’s face made it clear that they definitely weren’t welcome, or at least to Rae it did.

“It’s fine,” Liam tugged Rae closer meaning to be embracing but he hit a bruise he made last night. She had learned to hide the wincing though. “My lovely wife cooks ma meals! Another time, yeah?”

Finn finally smiled at Rae, “Yeah, another time.”

Seconds after the door shut behind Finn, Liam was sprawled out on the couch with the television on. Rae wandered back into the kitchen, her nails dug into her skin. She craved the fresh air again but Liam had already shut the kitchen door.

From the fish bowl, Mani swam from one end to the other, then back again. Three times he darted through the water before he settled himself back to the predictable area of the twisted, white rock at the bottom. It is the most Rae had seen him move in a long time but she didn’t put too much thought into why that could be, afraid of the parallels her brain might make.

Liam was always fidgety on Saturdays, they were usually the worst times of the week for what Rae called “their bad days”. Liam could sleep through a whole Sunday in front of the television but Saturdays, she couldn’t do anything but sit and wait. Music didn’t play from the house next door during the weekend, or maybe it did but she was unable to hear from the shut windows that blocked the only light in her abyss.

The doorbell ringing was a worrying surprise.

“Could ya get that, Doll?” Liam groaned.

“Mrs Greenshaw?” Rae asked. Her smile hopefully covered the concern.

“Dear! You look well, just popped in for a cuppa!” The elderly woman pushed herself passed Rae and straight into the livingroom, where Liam sat up instantly and frowned at her.

“Now, I’m sorry Mrs Greenshaw but this was supposed to be a day for me and ma wife.”

Mrs Greenshaw laughed and pulled her lavender jacket off her shoulders, “Cherubs, don’t be silly!” Her posh accent seemed somehow more posh to Rae since the last time they met, “I haven’t seen you both in so long. Not that it’s your fault, working hard I assume.” She patted Rae on the shoulder with the faintest of touches. “But since you declined my offer of dinner I thought I’d pop down and just check up on you both. Tea?” And in one breath Mrs Greenshaw has flicked the kettle on and was cleaning out the pot.

Liam and Rae shared a look. She shrugged at him and tried to muster a smile, he rolled his eyes and strode to the kitchen. “Well, why not?” He beamed, “I’ll get the biscuits.”

Liam was all chatter as he let Mrs Greenshaw talk the afternoon away. Her nonsense remarks about their other neighbours were a gentle relief to Rae and by the end of their second cup she found herself folding into a comfortable position in her chair, her head lolling back, until a certain newcomer was mentioned.

“….But I have only met him the once. Seems he keeps to himself a lot.”

“We tried to have Finn round for tea but he wouldn’t have it. Thought it was a bit rude, but he seems alright.”

Mrs Greenshaw hummed, “Yes, well, what did you think Rae?”

Liam shifted in his chair, “I just told you what we thought, and it’s getting late-”

“No, you told me what you thought of him. Rae might think otherwise, Dear.”

Rae swallowed a gulp of tea, and waited until the burning in her chest soothed before answering. “He seems alrigh’.”

Mrs Greenshaw didn’t look satisfied, and opened her mouth to prod more out of the quiet girl but Liam interrupted. “Righ’, well thanks Mrs Greenshaw, you’re always welcome, but my Rae really should be getting the dinner on now…”

Mrs Greenshaw huffed but stood up. “You’re quite right, Liam, I’ve stayed long enough. I’ll see you both soon I hope?”

“Soon.” He agreed, grinning and Rae smiled and nodded along.

The next morning she cries while counting her new bruises and cuts in the shower. Then she makes some of her own.

Her movements were still stiff from the injuries made only two days before when Finn turned up on their doorstep. The early, sticky summer heat meant she was only in her coverlet; her bruises on display in a spectacular array of colours, blue and brown and purple and green and yellow and scarred. They would almost be beautiful if it wasn’t all so fucked up. Liam, apathetic as ever, chucked his jumper across for her to cover up with, before ushering the neighbour inside.

Finn’s smile was soft and warm, and regardless how of little she knew him, it was a sight she found comfort in. “I just wanted to drop this off.” He pulled his hand from around his back and tried to hand Rae The Stone Roses record from the day they met.

“Awe thanks, mate!” Liam grabbed the record from Finn before Rae had a chance to move her fingers in the record’s direction. “Nice of you to remember.”

Liam waved the album in front of her and jovially laughed. “I was talking to Finn yesterday, Sweets. I think you were in the shower or somethin’ and he mentioned the Roses so I told him that we don’t have any records after that little accident you had.”

“Right,” Rae said. A lot of their records were broken around year ago. Rae had to take all the shattered pieces to the dump. She had cried as black bag after black bag fell into an endless hole. She was certain that there was a pain in her chest that day caused by her heart breaking before Liam told her she was acting melodramatic. They were only records after all, and it wouldn’t have happened had she not provoked him. There were still a few left in the shed outside, but there was no record player in their house anyway, so why would she need them.

Rae took a moment to watch Finn’s face, unable to match Liam’s eye line while he casually lied about her. Finn’s expression hadn’t changed but his eyes were darker, there was no way to determine what that could mean. He simply shifted on his feet and scratched his ear.

Liam marveled at the record in his hands, while Rae and Finn tried their hardest not to make eye contact. “You want to stay this time, Nelson? Rae’s got some steak pie there, enough for all o’ us. Right, Doll? ”

“I really should be goin’-”

“Nelson, you can’t say no to Rae’s cooking twice now, can you? Don’t want to be rude.” Liam never did become accustomed to people saying ‘no’ to him.

Rae jumped in to loosen the tension, and plastered a huge smile on her face. “Please stay, its fine. We won’t pester you again if you stay.”

Finn looked uncertain, but he nodded. “Why not?”

Rae couldn’t think of anything else to say, thankfully Liam jumped in ready to take control of the situation. “Well, then, there you go. Take a seat, and I’ll get you a beer while Rae finishes making the tea.”

It was excruciating.

Finn had been out of the door as soon as the last dish was cleared. He had offered to help clean up but after some intense persuading from Rae he relented and rushed back to his home and, more importantly, to his dad.

“Bit rude wasn’t it? Leaving all those dishes for you!” Liam called from the couch.

Rae leaned against the doorframe between the kitchen and livingroom, staring blankly at the television to avoid looking at his face. “It’s alrigh’. He was probably having someone over tonight or something.”

During the meal Rae discovered that Finn hadn’t told Liam about his dad. It had been an awkward moment but Liam appeared to still be oblivious.

“So why’d you move here then, Nelson?” Liam had asked, gravy from the pie spluttered a little from his mouth. “Stamford just that little bit more enticing than Manchester then?”

Finn shifted slightly and focused on cutting the meat into tiny pieces. “I was from here, grew up here. Just wanted to come back to the area really.”

Liam laughed, “To Stamford? I can’t see why, it’s a fucking dump.”

Finn looked up at Rae and caught her staring, but she couldn’t look away. He had told her about his dad within the first few minutes of meeting her, and he hadn’t told Liam. Yet her curly haired husband constantly acted as if he and Finn were best mates.

“Ah…” Liam sighed, “A big house, all to yourself. Must be good for bringing birds back though?”

Finn looked back down, frowning at his pastry this time. He shoved a huge mouthful in and nodded instead of replying.

“Liam, that’s hardly appropriate, don’t ya think?” Rae snapped.

“Why not?”

“It’s just-”

“He’s a big boy, you don’t have to baby everyone, y’know.” Rae’s argument fell from her tongue and she continued on with her food. “Anyway the point’s moot, really, there’s barely any fit girls here in Stamford.”

Rae didn’t speak for rest of the meal.

Similarly, a word was rarely uttered from Finn, he seemed to be someone who was quiet almost all of the time. There was a cloud that sat on top of him, an eeriness that, although she had seen him smile, never really lifted from his features.

It didn’t make sense that he hadn’t told Liam about his dad. He could be embarrassed or really upset about the dire situation. Perhaps he doesn’t trust Liam, although he was quick to trust Rae with the information. And trust her enough to not say anything to her husband about it. Rae once thought she had a backpack of bullshit strapped to her, pulling her down, she wondered if Finn had one too.

Mani swam around and around in his fish bowl, he wasn’t going anywhere. There was nowhere to go in his tiny bowl, but he was happy like that. Content in all his usual surroundings, it was small but it was his home. There was no need for any change in his life.


	6. Elizabeth, My Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae sees the difference between what the world has given her and what the world should have given her

The hot summer air felt like soot clogging up her airways. She flung open the back door and all the windows yet there was still not a single draught in the house. Despite being greatly irritating, it did give Rae an excuse to sit out in the back garden and listen to the music spilling over from next door.

She pulled up a garden chair and got herself into a comfortable position to spend the rest of her afternoon. Finn’s house was playing ‘Making Movies’ – she recognised it from her early twenties. She never took much interest in Dire Straits in her teenage years, however after marrying Liam, the melancholy guitar sound was something she could find solace in. She might even have Making Movies in the shed somewhere buried under a sea of dust and dirt, perhaps if she dug it out she could sneak it onto their new record player. Not new exactly, Liam had taken one from his mum’s house, but there was a new needle and it did the job. Rae, of course, hadn’t had a chance to listen to her own records on it yet, Liam had mentioned that having spent so long without a record player she would have forgotten how to use one – she better not chance scratching any vinyl.

As ‘Les Boys’ came to an end, Rae sighed and waited impatiently for Finn (or his dad) to choose a new album to play. However, after a few minutes there was still only silence from over the fence. Rae assumed that they must be busy and had already begun her tread back inside when the doorbell rang.

She was confused but answered the door with a relative certainty it was going to be Mrs. Dewhurst again.

“Oh.” Rae said, blinking at Finn. He stood in front of her with his hands stuffed into his jean pockets.

“Hi,” he said. “Y’alrigh’?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” She answered on impulse. “What’re you doin’ here?”

Finn scowled in the general direction of his house, and then turned back to her. “I-I just wondered if you’d like a cuppa?”

“What?” She blurted out. He looked smaller than the first day she had met him. On the same doorstep, but Finn without his leather jacket and sunglasses didn’t appear nearly as cool and collected as he had on their first meeting.

“It’s just me da’, really. I think he heard you singin’ or somethin’. And if you’re not doin’ anythin’ then-”

“Fuck.” She mentally slapped herself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so loud. Sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it and-”

“No, it’s fine.” Finn was quick to butt in. “I was just about to put the kettle on anyway. It’s me dad. He’s keen to meet ya’.”

“He is?” The conversation wasn’t going anywhere near where she would have expected.

“Well, you’re always singin’ and stuff.” Finn shrugged and scuffed his boot on the step in front of him.

“Righ’. Okay then.” Rae said with a nod. It wouldn’t be difficult she had time until Liam came home. And it would be a lie to say she wasn’t curious to meet Finn’s dad – even if he had heard her singing. If it ended in disaster, what would it matter? She was locked up in here almost every day, anyway.

“Really?” Finn gave her a surprised look.

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s great. I just didn’t expect you to say yes, really.” Finn grinned.

“Why?”

Finn stopped grinning. “Well, just because…y’know. I never really see you leave the house and-”

Her eyes flared up in disbelief and she momentarily considered slamming the door in his face, before realising that might prove his point. Instead, she stood taller and grumbled, “If you’re dad wants to meet me, it’d be rude not to.”

“Right.” Finn said. He looked small again. Good, she thought, he doesn’t know her life. Finn didn’t know what she went through or dealt with, he shouldn’t think he can pass judgment on her like that.

Finn walked silently and slightly behind her, close enough that she could hear him breathing – in his dark jeans and black t-shirt he was like her shadow. They got to his front door when he turned to her, “I’m sorry,” he said, only slightly louder than a whisper, “I didn’t meant to offend you.” He bit his lip, Rae hadn’t met any men who bit their lip before.

She smiled at him softly, “No, its fine. I just over reacted, maybe.” Maybe she had. Finn didn’t know, she shouldn’t raise suspicion like that. He only nodded in reply.

The livingroom in Finn’s house was much cooler than her own, by virtue of the enormous fan that sat in the corner opposite their record player. “Finally getting to meet Rae, am I?” A man said, as he grinned at her from the couch.

Rae laughed lightly, “Well, that’s me. Mr. Nelson,” she replied, and tried to pull a smile onto her face, despite the nerves. When she shook his hand, it was ice cold. She didn’t think it would be good manners to mention how improbable that was in the current heat, fan or no fan.

“Oh, just call me Gary, dear.” He said. “Already feel like we’re on first name terms.”

“Okay,” She nodded. Mr. Nelson – Gary – was smiling and staring intently at her. She pulled at the sleeves of her cardigans, wrapping them around her knuckles.

“Would you like some tea, Rae? Finn’s putting the kettle on.”

“Why not?” She said, and despite herself, she was already smiling easily.

“Well, go on then, son.” The old man directed at Finn, before motioning for Rae to sit on the couch opposite from him.

“So, Rae,” he said, once they were alone. “You’ve got a lovely singing voice.”

“Oh.” Holy fuck. He really had heard her.

He laughed, “Or so I hear. Finn sometimes goes into the garden, weeding and things, and he heard ya a few times. Nothing impresses our Finn, but he seems to love hearing ya sing.” Gary’s eyes had a childlike twinkle in them. They were big and sparkled, he reminded her of what her little sister would look like when she played with her toys.

“Well. Yeah. Sometimes I just-”

“Then again,” Garry carried on, “If it’s anything to do with music. Finn will love it. Would you put something on, Rae? The noise from that fan is driving me nuts.” Gary nodded in the direction of the record player.

“Uh, yeah. Okay.” She hesitantly walked over to the vast collection. They were all out of their boxes and stacked next to each other along the back wall. There was too much choice, how on earth would she ever find something to listen to? Then something caught her eye, in the ‘E’ section. Maybe not. Or maybe this was perfect. From the vague, mis-match conversations she had overheard between Finn and his dad, it did seem like Mr. Nelson had a sense of humour.

She had already grabbed the album and was placing the needle in the right place before she had a chance to change her mind. Finn walked back in the room just as ‘Mr Blue Sky’ started to play.

Gary threw his head back in laughter, and clapped his hands, before Finn handed him a mug. “My dear Rae…” Gary said, smiling brightly, “I think you’ll fit just fine into our lives.”

____

Finn was more talkative around his dad, still quiet but he smiled more, laughed louder, in general he appeared a happier Finn. He acted so differently around Gary compared to when he was with Rae and Liam, she found she was jealous. She wanted to be able to make someone act so happy with her, to make his smile light up or eyes flash, but Liam was all she got.

What she found most surprising was how talkative Finn’s father was. The older man could talk for England; he was smiling and laughing and joking, and moving. He moved all the time, only small movements, but he shifted, fidgeted, turned as if he was always waiting for something exciting to happen and pull him somewhere else. She wondered how two men so unlike in their actions could even be related.

“I’ve been trying to get him to let me out of the house for ages,” Gary said, grinning, “but he’s too scared to take me anywhere. He thinks I’ll drop dead at the supermarket. I keep tellin’ him ‘choosing between broccoli and cauliflower will not give me a heart attack, Finn’. But he doesn’t listen.”

“Dad.” Finn said from beside her. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that. And you do get out. You have your mates down at the Bluebell.”

Gary rolled his eyes and looked at Rae, “The Bluebell. Pub for old men to die in.” Finn snorted, but Garry kept his eyes on Rae. “I’ve been to the Bluebell for years. I want some fresh air. Back me up here, Rae.”

“Uh.” Rae took a sidelong glance at Finn who was glaring at his dad. He shook his head at him but Gary didn’t waver.

Almost from nowhere, Rae suddenly remembered the park only down the street, where she had day dreamed about taking Finn and his dad only a few days before. She could picture the day more clearly now that she had met Mr. Nelson. Her mouth moved of its own accord. “Well, there’s Sunny Side Park. Y’know, opposite the high school? It’s just down the street.”

Rae didn’t have to glance at Finn to know he had directed his glare at her.

Gary only laughed some more. He had a long, low laugh, as if it came from the deepest part of his soul and traveled all the way up through his body and sprang out of him. “Well, I’d just love to see Sunny Side one day, Rae. You, me and Finn. A great day out.”

Rae found she was smiling along with Gary, “Yeah, and I could bring a picnic.”

Gary’s smile was so bright, Rae thought for a second she might burn. “Perfect. Perfect, right, Finn?”

Finn chewed the inside of his cheek before giving a half-hearted shrug. “Yeah, fine.”

Rae leaned closer to him and tried to speak quietly. “It’ll be good. And it’s less than a mile away from your house, and we’ll both be there to make sure everything’s okay.” She watched his side profile, willing him to agree. She was forcing her daydream to come true, she was so close.

Finn sighed but started smiling, “Alrigh, yeah. It’ll be good.”

__________

There was a cool breeze that took the edge off the heat. It swept her hair around her face and made the leaves on the trees rustle. She had a whole four hours before Liam would be home from work, and at least two of those could be spent at Sunny Side Park with Finn Nelson and his lovable teddy-bear of a father.

The sun gleamed in the sky, even in the English weather there were times when it could make everything else around her sparkle. The grass, a few feet away from the car park, was the greenest, most luscious she had ever seen, the trees scattered across the surroundings of the park were sparse but they stood tall and dark, a perimeter to her, like knights waiting for her commands. The swing set made a creaking noise and the childrens’ screams and yells of enjoyment, along with the adult chatter could be heard over the distance of the entire fields. The smell, the cold, the heat, green, the blue, the colour and lack of colour, all was a comforting sight. She almost didn’t hear Finn trying to get the wheelchair from the car.

“Let me help ya with tha’.” She said. She and Finn unfurled the chair and helped Mr. Nelson onto it with a wordless synchronicity.

“Thanks, Rae.” Gary chimes, always grinning. Rae liked his smile, it was a permanent fixture on his face, always beaming up to her. Like the sun, only he beamed up and the sun beamed down, he seemed to surround Rae with light. “Would ya get the basket, Finn? Rae can wheel me up the tiny hill, right, dear?”

“Uh…” Finn gave her a wary look but she grinned and nodded.

“I’d love to, Gary.” She said and moved to stand behind him.

“If you’re sure…” She heard Finn mutter, as he went for the food. She knew that Finn was tired. It looked as if both men had had a long night. Not that she knew any more than that. She hadn’t seen them since the day she went to their house for a cup of tea but the circles under Finn’s eyes were far more prominent today than she had seen on him before, and she wanted to do everything she could to help him.

“It’s a lovely park, Rae.” Gary told her when they were out of earshot.

“Yeah, I used to come here a lot. They’ve changed it a bit, but it’s still really nice.” She recognised the field, but the large play park on the other side was only recently put into place.

Gary hummed. “Lived in Stamford ma whole life and I never knew it existed. Ridiculous, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not ridiculous.” Rae said, frowning at the top of his head, “I think sometimes we just miss things that can be right in front of us.”

Gary laughed, “Yes. Yeah I think we do.”

The hill got steeper, taking the breath from Rae, she had to focus on not falling backwards and crashing into the silent Finn behind them.

“We can stop here.” Gary said. He pointed to the space a few feet in front of them. “Seems quite cosy.”

“Uh, yeah. Why not? We can see everythin’ from here.” Rae said, trying to fix the wheel but Finn quickly came to her aid and handed her the picnic basket and blanket instead.

“Right,” she said, feeling like an idiot, “I’ll set up the food.” She pulled the blanket out first and tried to relax.

It wasn’t exactly how she had pictured it in her daydreams, she didn’t realise how quickly she could become uncomfortable on the ground with only a blanket and the grass as a cushion, but the atmosphere made her feel light enough to float away, so she resolved to deal with the slight pain in her hips.

Finn and his dad worked as a double act, taking it in turns to jibe one another and laugh at their own expense. She learned a lot about both men solely through watching and listening. Gary worked in a bank before he got ill a few years ago. He had beaten cancer once but it had come back, almost every organ in him was covered with cancer cells. Gary had commented, “if only I could catch women like I could cancer, I’d be a much happier man”, which made Rae laugh and Finn scowl.

They didn’t spend long discussing it, though. Finn was quick to change the subject to his own work. He was on the radio. Night shifts, but he had taken quite a few days off since his dad got diagnosed. He talked about his job while moving his hands, and his eyebrows shifted on his face and his smile brightened when he talked about the music he got to play.

Rae would desperately have loved to work in something she loved. And she said as much. “Must be good, working with all that music, all day.”

Finn nodded, “Yeah, it’s ..it’s definitely something.” Finn was what Rae’s old friend Chloe would call ‘tricky’. One second he can be bumbling over his words trying to get them out fast enough for her, the next he would clam up, as if he suddenly remembered who he was talking to. She had the urge to pull him up by the leather lapels and tell him that she would listen to him talk for hours if he would let her.

“Well, we both know you’re a fan of music, Rae.” Gary said, as he grinned down at her. “I know! You should come round more. Finn could do with the company, y’know.”

“Dad.” Finn looked up at his father. She could only see the back of his head, but she assumed Finn was glaring at the older man. She couldn’t possibly imagine what she had done to Finn to make him not like her so much.

“Finn, when was the last time you saw your friends? There’s no point you fussing over me all the time is there? What’s goin’ to happen when I’m not here anymore and you’ve pushed all your friends away? For God’s sake, Chop calls almost every day, you should go out just to shut that boy up.”

Finn shook his head and fixated on a kid on the swings. She followed his gaze. The kid kicked up and flung back, then forward, back then forward, back then forward. It started to give her a headache.

This fight between Finn and his dad wasn’t hers, she didn’t have a right to say anything. This was only her second time meeting Mr Nelson, after all. And yet, she felt she had to say something. She sighed loudly which broke the stand off between the two men. “It’s not my place Finn, but you shouldn’t leave your friends hanging like that. Believe me.” Her thoughts went to her family, to Chloe. Those people she shoved away and replaced with Liam.

Finn shifted beside her, and his shoulder pressed right into hers. “You could come wi’ me. If you want to. You could meet my mates, you’ll love ‘em. At least I think you will.”

Rae stared at him, “You what?”

Finn frowned and picked at the laces on his boots and redid the knots. “We always go to the Lion’s Head. You should come. You can bring Liam as well.”

She let a silence fall. There were no words that seemed right to reply to such a bizarre request.

Finn suddenly laughed from beside her. She blinked up at him and he nodded in his dad’s direction where Mr. Nelson was snoring quietly, head tipped back against the chair. She giggled with Finn and he rolled his eyes.

“One minute he’s wide awake and yellin’ at me, the next he’s sound asleep. Typical old man.”

Rae stared at the man in the wheelchair; he didn’t seem like himself without a smile on his face. “I think you’re dad seems really great. He loves you a lot.” She said.

“Yeah.” Finn started tearing at the grass at the edge of the blanket.

She laid a hand on his shoulder. His muscles tensed under her touch but she didn’t waver; Finn deserved to know that she wanted to help him. “I think you’ll be okay, Finn.”

He looked up at her and his eyes were shining, the sun may have caught his eyes in a particular light, or she was watching Finn crying, whichever the reason she was suddenly struck with how attractive the boy in front of her was. All the bones in his face appeared sculpted like a roman statue.

She took a deep breath and wrapped his hand in her free one. “It’ll be alright,” she whispered.

Finn shook his head, he was crying. She pulled him into her shoulder.

He was warm against her, but he was still. His crying it wasn’t obvious, she couldn’t feel him heaving or shaking and no tears dripped onto her but he rested his head into the crook of her neck and stayed there for a long time.

“Finn?” She whispered, partly because he was still too close to speak at normal volume and partly to make sure his dad didn’t hear.

“Yeah?” His voice was muffled but clear.

“Why haven’t you told Liam about your dad? Don’t you think he’ll notice?”

Finn shifted his head so that he faced the same direction she was, “It’s none of his business Rae.”

“Yeah okay. But it’s my business.”

“Have you told him?” She can hear the accusing tone in his words, her shoulders tense on impulse. She had pushed him too far, he was angry at her. Finn brought up a hand that was wrapped around her waist and started stroking her back. “Sorry, that came out harsher than I thought it would.”

She nodded, “No, no. I haven’t. Not unless you want me to.”

“I don’t.”

“Okay.” She whispered.

“Okay.”

Only when the sun had gone behind the only cloud in the sky did they part. Finn twisted his body to sit away from Rae but left his head on her shoulder. “You should come to the pub on Friday.” He said, in barely a whispered breath.

“What?” she asked.

“You should come.”

“Liam-”

“Liam can come too.” Finn sighed. “I think maybe you should get out more.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked, and moved her head to look at his expression.

“Nothing.” Finn bit his lip again. “I just… Well, okay, I want you to meet my friends.” He shrugged.

“Why?”

“Because I do.” Finn matched her stare and frowned at her. “Is that hard to believe? We’re mates, aren’t we?”

“Oh. Yeah right. We are.” She couldn’t think of a particular moment when they had moved from neighbours to friends, but maybe this was the moment. Letting him cry on her shoulder seemed like a good enough reason as any to become friends. “I mean, yeah, I guess me and Liam could come.”

“To the Lion’s Head? On Friday? I’ll walk you both down, if you want?” Finn’s eyebrows were raised so far into his forehead and it makes her giggle.

“Yeah. Sure.”

Finn smiled, he was already holding her hand but in that moment it felt awkward. Wrong, in a way. More than just a friendly gesture. She pulled her hand away.

“Maybe we should wake your dad up. Seems like it’s going to rain.” She looked up and the one cloud had suddenly gotten very dark, moved ominously across the sky, threatening to wash her day out.

“Yeah.” Finn sighed.

_______

Rae awkwardly stood at the front door of Finn’s house waiting on him returning. He had said “two seconds” but a few minutes had passed and she considered leaving. He must have forgotten she was still there.

For the most part, the car ride home from the park was light hearted. Gary had shouted at Finn about his music choices and Rae chimed in to decimate the decisions as well. Finn had claimed that he was being ganged up on, and Gary was quick to tell him that he didn’t have long until it was only an equal sitting when it would only be Finn and Rae arguing over the music. There was no joking tone that time, and the conversation ended swiftly.

Finn appeared from the hallway and strode up to her, “Sorry. I thought I’d grab this.” He handed her the CD single for ‘Waterfall’. He scratched his ear and stared up at her. “It just-it reminds me of you now. You might as well have it.”

Her breath was taken from her lungs as she heaved Finn into a hug. In a few hours she would cringe at her brazenness, but in that moment she allowed herself to be near him. He smelled of cologne and grass and fresh air.

“Thank you, Finn.” She said once she pulled herself away. She hoped the sincerity was obvious, such a gesture of kindness shouldn’t go unnoticed. “You’ve already given us loads-”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s all goin’ digital, anyway. They keep sayin’ ‘CD’s will become obsolete’ at the station. You might as well get the use out of it now.”

Rae stared at the man in front of her. His messy hair, the tired eyes, and small frown. More than anything she wanted to hold him against her again, but she took a deep breath and smiled. “I need to go. Put the tea on, y’know. For Liam.”

“Yeah, uh. Okay.”

She unlocked her front door and smiled down at her CD. She showed Mani her new present, “Look, Mani. My dear friend, Finn, gave me it.”

The goldfish ignored her entirely and went round in a circle again. She waited for him to rest but he kept spinning in his bowl.


	7. (Song For My) Sugar Spun Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was what he thought would help

Music is magical to her. There’s a fire that lies within every song, from quiet single flames to the roar of wildfire tearing through a forest, there is truly something miraculous tied and tangled within every beat. It fills her up, it lets her free, and she flies through the air. But it’s only the very few, truly special songs that empower her to travel far away.

And so Rae did. She found a Radiohead CD and shoved it in the player, stuck her hands out in the air and she took off into the air, the house she once was trapped in was so far gone she wouldn’t even be able to remember the colour of the walls had she tried. With her eyes closed she can’t feel the carpet, she can’t feel his touch, she doesn’t hurt from the bruises. She is secluded and free all at the same time. Isolated yet connected to the only thing that could ever matter to her. She doesn’t smell last night’s dinner she smells freshly cut grass and the slightest bit of Finn’s cologne from that day in the park.

The walls and the ceilings toppled like stacked cards, the carpet turning to clouds and the old pictures fell from the fireplace and crashed soundlessly in the busy air beneath her.

Turning slowly as her flight was getting higher. The ground was so far away, the clammy, intense heat from the oven was long gone and turned into an inviting peck of a small breeze lightly tickling her pale cheeks.

She’s more than flying, she’s letting the music into her bones as the guitar rift turns to sweeping and pouring into her very soul filling up the emptiness and loud nothings until all that is left is the air and her body and the light and the music and the music and the music.

The drums hits her chest and she feels it rush through her bloodstream and the soft clash of the guitars is the fuel she needs to go ever farther even faster. She doesn’t pause between songs just carries on straight through, flying further and further and she is freer than she has ever been before.

She stays there.

Endless clouds with their peaceful surroundings of comfort and softness and the beauty of song. Soft now, soft. She’s so high. No rain clouds just the sun and warmth coming only from her. She’s safe here. Melodies are swirling and embracing her like it’s more of a home than she can even remember. Equally tragic and beautiful, it’s everything… god it is just everything.

She considers never leaving.

Then the doorbell rings.

\- 

When Rae sang Finn’s chest clenched around the bottom of his throat and his legs did this shaking thing that pushed him to open the nearest window so he could listen to every note that left her delicate lips. There was a simplicity to her voice when she sang. Her sometimes terrified looks that caught her when she was with Liam were lost when she sang. Fuck. When she sang it was loud and clear, it was permanent and strong. When Rae sang she knew where she stood in the world and wasn’t about to move anywhere for anyone.

She never sang when Liam could hear.

It was four days after he and Rae had shared their moment on his living room floor that he met Liam. The cheeriness seemed to ooze off him, it reminded Finn of the strawberry sauce he would drown his ice cream in, too thick and too sweet it would make him feel ill for hours afterward.

It wasn’t a particularly long conversation, and Finn hadn’t told Liam anything about his life and Liam hadn’t been especially forthcoming either, only mentioning that been meaning to drop by after work sometime. Liam had declared Rae as if she was an old television that he was waiting for an upgrade on. “My birds’ inside. She’s been cooking all day, you met ‘er?” Finn had shrugged. “Yeah, she’s a loner type, y’know? Never really thought I’d end up with that but that’s life, eh?” He had clapped Finn on the arm and disappeared into Rae’s house.

Finn spent a long time trying to get to sleep that night.

Finn had been spending a lot of nights not getting any sleep, and he wished, fucking hell did he wish that it was only because of his dad.

There were three different nights. The third worst was the shouting nights, where both Liam and Rae would swear a lot then the perfect husband would storm of to bed. Those were small, usually a Monday or Tuesday night. The second worst was the smashing glass nights, maybe a Thursday or a Sunday, but Rae could still be heard shouting back. The worst nights were the quiet ones because Finn didn’t have any fucking idea what could be going on during those times. Maybe it was all peaceful maybe Rae was brutally hurt, how could he possibly know in the swarm of silence?

Solutions to problems never did come easily to Finn, so he did the only thing he could think of – shove the responsibility onto someone else. And that was probably why, three days after Rae met the gang at the pub, he had a horrified beautiful brunette crash into the living room and call him an interfering little dickfuck. Rae did have quite a way with words.

It had been a ridiculous thought. Having Rae meet the rest of the gang would show her a better life. He had been so sure of it, so confident in his decision that he even felt a little cocky. Izzy would show her that life didn’t always have to be so dramatic that small insignificant details can change a whole perspective of the world. Archie would show her that although sometimes things look like they can never get any better, they always do, even if it takes a really long time. Chop was well… Chop. And Chloe was an expert on all girl things, and that was what Rae needed. Strong Chloe to step up and tell Rae all the things that Finn was too fucking scared to say.

He should have known that it all would end in disaster when Chloe shrieked those three little words, “Oh my god!”

Finn was pretty accustomed to watching someone go from a healthy colour to sheet white after caring for his dad for so long, and Rae had gone from summer kissed pink to winter’s hangover in less than a second. Worse still was that Liam did too.

Apparently they knew each other from school, from even before Chloe had met the gang, and this somehow qualified Chloe to steal Rae from him. Chloe introduced them herself, stating that she had been at their wedding – or would have been had they changed the day but she had been holidaying in Magaluf and couldn’t make it.

It was worse when Liam showed his own aggravation. “Would you move over, doll?” “Could you get me another drink?” “You should probably check your make up while you’re in there.” “Oh, you’re not telling that story to Chloe, are ya? You’ll bore her ears off.”

When Chloe started eyeing up a someone on the other side of the bar, he took the distraction as his chance to pull her away.

“So what’s goin’ on wi’ you an’ Rae then?”

“Nothing,” Chloe said, almost whiny. “We were mates for ages. Best mates for years but…” She shrugged, “I don’t know. She married Liam and drifted away.”

Finn didn’t hesitate. “D’you like Liam?”

Chloe looked back over at the couple, “Bit greasy. I always told Rae that but she told me to keep my nose out. Her choice.” She shrugged again.

“Was it really? Are you sure?”

“What?”

Finn breathed through his nose to keep from snapping at her. “Was it really her choice to stay wi’ him?”

Chloe finally stopped looking through him. “I thought that too.” She whispered, “Back then, ages ago. I thought somethin’ was goin’ on but it’s not like I had any proof or anything.”

Finn suddenly didn’t know what to do with his hands. They were clenched, he didn’t remember doing that. He felt the need to hug Chloe, to celebrate that he wasn’t the only one seeing what he was seeing. But he also wanted to push his palms into his eyes to stop himself from crying because he wasn’t the only one seeing what he was seeing. “Could you- D’you think you could talk to Rae? I don’t think she’d listen to me, I don’t know her that well, but if you’re mates. She migh’ listen.”

Chloe glanced back at Rae, who had Liam’s arm tucked around her. “Maybe. Do you really think something’s going on?”

“I don’t know. S’none of my business. But there’s a lot of shouting, almost every night. And she covers up a lot. The first time I met her she had a bit of a black eye.”

“Okay.” Chloe nodded. “Okay, well, Rae helped me before. I guess it’s my turn.” Finn didn’t ask what that meant but for the first time in fuck knows how long Finn let himself breathe. “Have you spoke to anyone else about this?”

Finn frowned at Chloe, not missing the antagonising tone, “No. I- I- didn’t know what to do.” Chloe didn’t seem angry at his answer nor reassured by it.

“Fine. Okay, fine. You’ve got enough to deal with.” Finn wouldn’t argue with that. He let Chloe walk away from him, and he prayed that she would know exactly how to handle this fucked up mess of a situation. 

As Finn returned to the table Liam and Rae were already saying their goodbyes to the gang. Liam laughed as he grabbed Finn by the shirt and hauled him, “Ready to take me and the Mrs home?”

Finn was never quite ready to say goodbye to Rae, but he nodded and slung himself into his shitty Fiat. He watched Rae in the mirror as she sat in the backseat and watched the dark night crawl over her.

Finn found his dad asleep on the couch when he got home, his pyjama pants were messed. Finn didn’t get to bed for another hour and when he did finally bury himself under his quilts he lay awake to the sound of his own terrible imagination.

-

His dad snores echo from the livingroom and spread through the house. Finn loves his dad snores especially during the day because it’s the best way to check on his breathing without having to actually check on his breathing.

Liam is at work, Monday is usually a calm day. Finn has a cold glass of water since the weather seems to be the hottest it’s been all year, and he can feel a trickle of sweat drip down hiss back as he tries to fix the bloody door handle of the bathroom, but the thing won’t budge.

He messes with the screw and remembers that Rae should really be singing about now but he hasn’t heard her all morning. Not a peep from the other side of the fence. The screws all fall loose and tumble across the floor, rolling in a thousand different directions.

“Shit!” Finn grumbles trailing after them, meticulously picking up the little pieces. Just as the last of the little pieces of hate have been thrown back into the toolbox, Finn’s dad stumbles into the hall with his zimmer frame, and despite the fact that Finn’s t-shirt is now dripping with sweat, their fan has broken and the sun floods through the windows as if it has its own revenge warpath, his dad asks, “Cuppa?” and Finn nods.

He sits and his back sticks to the couch, Finn glances out the window in the general direction of Rae. “No singing today,” his dad grumbles just before he falls back asleep letting his tea turn to steam.

And that’s when she burst in, hands shaking, expletives shouting and fear weeping from her eyes. For the first time all summer, Finn remembers what it feels like to be cold.


End file.
